Working with Couples

In couples counselling, transparency is essential for building trust, maintaining an open dialogue, and creating a safe space where both partners can feel heard and understood. I work strictly within a Transparency ‘No Secrets’ Policy to ensure that no private information is withheld from either partner, fostering a deeper level of trust and understanding between all parties involved. 

Why Transparency Matters: 

• Trust and Openness: For couples counselling to be effective, both partners must feel that everything shared is treated equally and openly. If one partner suspects that the  counsellor is holding secrets from the other, it can create feelings of distrust and suspicion, undermining the progress of therapy. Example: If one partner confides in me about a difficult issue, such as an affair, the other partner may feel betrayed if they later find out that I knew about it but didn’t share it. To prevent this, I make sure that both partners have equal access to information that could impact their relationship. 

• Impartiality: My role as a therapist is to remain neutral and not take sides. By following a transparency policy, I avoid the potential discomfort or conflict that can arise from holding private information about one partner. It helps me maintain an unbiased stance while working with both clients. Example: If one partner shares something about their personal past that they believe is  relevant to the relationship but doesn’t want the other partner to know, the transparency policy means I will encourage them to share it together in session, ensuring both partners are on the same page. 

• Trust in the Counselling Process: When both partners know that I do not withhold information from either of them, they are more likely to trust the process and engage fully. Trust is foundational in couples counselling, and I want both of you to feel confident in my impartiality and transparency. Example: If a partner is hesitant to share an emotional concern in front of the other, knowing that there are no “secrets” can ease that hesitation. Instead of worrying that I may share private information, they can trust that all discussions will be done openly in a collaborative, safe environment. 

• Stronger Therapeutic Alliance: Transparency promotes a healthier therapeutic relationship between myself and both partners. By ensuring that there are no secrets, I aim to create a stronger and more effective working alliance where both partners feel equally valued and supported throughout the process. Example: If one partner feels left out of critical conversations, the therapeutic relationship may falter. By adhering to transparency, I help each partner feel equally engaged in the process, reinforcing the partnership as a team rather than isolating one party. 

What Happens If One Partner Wants to Keep Something Private? 

• While I encourage complete transparency, I understand that some topics may feel difficult or too personal to share right away. However, it’s important that we address these matters in a way that does not create division. Example: If one partner discloses that they’ve had an affair, they may feel ashamed or fear the other partner’s reaction. However, withholding this information could hinder progress. In such cases, I would suggest working through it in a safe and structured way, encouraging the partner to discuss it during a joint session. 

• If a partner wants to keep something private, and it does not impact the counselling  process, I will explore the situation and encourage them to share it with the other partner. If they are not ready to disclose, I may suggest having individual sessions to help process the situation and guide them towards eventually sharing this information with their partner in a safe, supportive manner. 

• In cases where a partner refuses to disclose important information, such as a secret they wish to keep from their partner (e.g., ongoing deceit or hidden financial matters), I may  decide that continuing with couples counselling is not in the best interest of either party.  Maintaining such secrets can undermine the trust required to move forward, and I will discuss alternative approaches to address this issue. 

Alternative Approaches for Sensitive Topics: 

• If a partner wishes to reveal something private that is important to their relationship but feels uncomfortable sharing it in a joint session, I can suggest a limited number of individual sessions. These sessions would focus on helping the individual process their feelings and prepare them to disclose the information to their partner in a constructive way. The goal would be to support the individual in making the disclosure in a way that  fosters mutual understanding and does not create additional harm.